At this stage in my life, I want to develop into a man. My days as a boy should be numbered - if not zero already - and I plan on dwindling that number down however I can. Quite an interesting development to be told that I am "too nice" more times than I would like. Fuck that. People tell me what a great guy I am, which is awesome. However, I never, ever want to hear it again with that tinge of pity and hollowness too common in people's voices when they say it. I can hear it! Embarrassing.
I want to continue to be a great guy, absolutely. But I want to be a man who is more prudent with his kindness and who doesn't receive such pitiful, hollow complements. That said, such a note as this can probably only be written by a boy. I admit that. The idea isn't to sound spiteful (too late). But the feeling is extremely frustrating. As if you can be taken advantage of, used. As if nobody could actually take a "too nice" person seriously. Perhaps nobody does. So, I'll oblige and change that. It isn't spite, no. It is humiliation -- honest.
The sign of the times also beckons me onward. One cannot stay forever where they are. Either you leave voluntarily or life will show you the door. I don't believe that's something bad, necessarily, but it is to be understood and come to terms with. I near 22 years of age, and being a boy is simply no longer of interest. Everything must go, to reside only in my memories. New ones must be created, and all available energy must be spent in order to shape those toward the good. This world can always use a good man as it never seems to have enough. It is time to live right by the world, by each other. To advocate for the protection of Mother Earth, the liberation of the unfortunate and oppressed, the progress and flourishing of myself and those I care for around me will require something from me I have not heretofore been able to give. Not able to commit. It will require the temperament and resolve of a man1. Especially in a post-virus world with the heat everywhere around us. I shall do my best to provide it.
[1] Strength, cunning, empathy, effort as well