This is a new experience for me. Since I began writing longer posts recently, I’ve been struck by doubts which I understand befall nearly all writers.
Are there any typos?
Is my tone too harsh or too passive?
Should I have edited out that sentence?
And, of course, the coup de grâce: Will anyone like it?
Though not long, enough time has already passed such that I can soberly re-read previous posts and see flaws. The theses, explicit or implicit, are soupier than I would like. I yield to charged points more frequently than I would like. I don't necessarily have the level of expertise or insight that I would like.
In the past, I might've cowered from that reality. I might've heavily edited the posts or deleted them. Worse, I might've excused them on fallacious grounds. Now, instead, I choose to accept. I do not mean to excuse any of those flaws, to the degree they are apparent. I do mean to forgive them. Mea culpa, mea culpa.
It is ok. This is forever an imperfect process. This is the learning curve.
I think back to a torturous memory from high school during which someone called me meek after I failed a task set out for me. I understood his intention; he said it aggressively, convinced that a swell of pride would rise within me to defy him and complete the task.
No such thing happened. I was wounded. My worst insecurities were seemingly validated. The exact word and the way he spoke it have stuck with me ever since: meek. My self-esteem has greatly improved since then, but the wound is not fully healed. For a different reason, I feel this reminiscent pain again.
When I watched Inside Out 2 last year, I resonated with the visual depiction of Riley's sense of self. Streaking jolts of emotion in my mind sometimes serve to reinforce my belief in my own indecisiveness.
I refuse to uproot this belief further than I already have. To improve oneself is to learn to abate and leverage your imperfections, one by one, but never to resolve them. Too much danger stems from a perception of perfection. No completely round circle exists in nature.
I seek to understand and utilize rather than conquer. The nerve has been touched; let that be so. Yes, I would do well, in the romantic spirit I was originally prompted, to exhibit defiance. One crucial difference between then and now is, I finally know whence. May I pry capacity from cowardice; unsheathe temerity from timidity.
As the proverb goes, a journey of a thousand miles...
Walk. This is the learning curve.